Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

You may love each other deeply and still find yourselves having the same arguments, becoming distant, feeling unheard or wondering why conversations so quickly turn into conflict.

Often, the problem isn't simply what you are arguing about. It is the emotional cycle that has developed between you.

One partner may pursue, question or become frustrated because they are trying to feel heard or connected. The other may become defensive, withdraw or shut down because they feel overwhelmed, criticised or unable to get it right.

Before long, both partners can feel alone.

At Mind4Therapy, I offer Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to help couples slow these interactions down, understand what is happening underneath them and begin creating a safer and more secure connection.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is an attachment-based approach to relationship therapy.

Rather than focusing only on communication techniques or deciding who is right or wrong, EFT helps us understand the emotional pattern that repeatedly takes over between you.

Together, we begin to explore:

• what triggers the cycle between you
• how each of you reacts when connection feels threatened
• what happens underneath anger, criticism, defensiveness or withdrawal
• the fears and vulnerabilities that may be harder to express
• what you actually need from one another
• how you can begin responding differently

The aim is not to find the person who is causing the problem.

The cycle becomes the problem — and together we work on changing it.

Perhaps you:

• keep having the same argument without resolving it
• feel more like housemates than partners
• struggle to communicate without becoming defensive
• pursue your partner while they withdraw
• avoid difficult conversations because they become overwhelming
• feel unheard, rejected, criticised or unimportant
• have lost emotional or physical closeness
• are struggling following hurt or a breach of trust
• love each other but no longer know how to reach one another
• experience pressure from work, parenting or wider family entering the relationship

These patterns do not necessarily mean that your relationship has failed.

They can be signs that you have become caught in a cycle that neither of you intended to create.

My style is warm, calm, active and non-judgemental.

I don't sit back while you repeat the same argument you have at home, and I don't take sides.

I help you slow difficult moments down so that we can understand what is happening emotionally for both of you.

We become curious about questions such as:

What happened just before you reacted?

What did you tell yourself your partner's behaviour meant?

What did you feel underneath the anger or withdrawal?

What were you frightened might happen between you?

What did you need from your partner in that moment but find difficult to ask for?

As these patterns become clearer, couples can begin moving away from blame and protection and towards greater emotional accessibility, responsiveness and connection.

As a South Asian therapist, I also bring lived cultural understanding to my work with couples.

Relationships do not exist separately from family, culture and community.

For South Asian, mixed-culture and interfaith couples, difficulties can sometimes involve additional pressures around:

• extended family and in-laws
• cultural expectations
• marriage and family roles
• loyalty and responsibility
• gender expectations
• religion and faith
• parenting
• boundaries with parents
• balancing independence with family connection
• feeling caught between your partner and your family

These experiences can be explored openly and respectfully without assuming that culture itself is the problem.

My aim is to understand your relationship, your families, your values and the emotional meaning these experiences hold for each of you.

We begin with an assessment of your relationship, including what has brought you to therapy, your relationship history and the difficulties you are currently experiencing.

We then begin identifying the interactional cycle that develops between you.

As therapy progresses, we work towards understanding the more vulnerable emotions and attachment needs underneath that cycle and helping you communicate these experiences to one another differently.

The work is collaborative and moves at a pace that allows both partners to feel heard.

The relationship you have with your couples therapist matters.

I'm Amar, a counsellor and couples therapist with a particular interest in attachment, relationships, trauma and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

My approach is warm and grounded, but I am also actively involved in the therapy. I help couples slow difficult interactions down and look beyond the argument itself to understand what is happening emotionally underneath.

My work is informed by my professional training as well as my understanding of how family, culture, childhood experiences and previous relationships can influence the way we seek closeness and protect ourselves when relationships feel uncertain.

I undertake ongoing professional development and supervision as part of my couples work.

You do not need to wait until your relationship reaches breaking point before asking for help.

If you feel caught in the same cycle and would like to understand what is happening between you, I offer a free 15-minute initial consultation to discuss whether couples therapy may be suitable.

Couples therapy available online and in person in London.

Book a Free 15-Minute Consultation